I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Randomize
