Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
