he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
