I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Randomize
