my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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