Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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