I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
