Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
