I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize