Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
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The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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