Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
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