Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
