i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
