You're completely useless in the revolution.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
