Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
4 words: hood of his car
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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