OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I can feel your judgement through the phone
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
