I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
