booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
