I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
