I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
