I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
