everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
