I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Randomize
