Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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