Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
