I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
