Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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