Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
