you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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