I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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