Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize