This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
