hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
