i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
