so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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