I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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