I think I died a long time ago.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
