Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
