I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize
