literally had 100 drinks last night.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Randomize
