i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
