We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
