Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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