I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
