Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
