I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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