Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
