May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
