Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone