woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
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And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
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I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits