How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
