Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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