I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i may or may not be watching the land before time
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
