My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Randomize
