I'm pants shitting drunk right now
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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