How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
