My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
