Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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