ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
