3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
